Archive for the ‘ Humor ’ Category
I thought I’d do something fun for the next 5 Fridays. I’ll be explaining the concept of the “Calvnist” doctrine known as T.U.L.I.P. through one of my boyhood heroes, Mr. T.
T on Total Depravity -
Listen up fool! A lot of suckas don’t realize that the natural state of man – the way we was born – is evil! Most fools don’t believe T about this, but that’s why they fools! Romans 3:9-10 & 18 says “I have already charged that all men, both Jews and Greeks, are under the power of sin, as it is written: None is righteous, no not one; no one seeks for God….There is no fear of God before their eyes.”. I pity the fool that don’t listen to T, but I REALLY pity the fool who don’t listen to what God said, sucka!
Some of you might whine to Mr. T “But I drink my milk, love my Mama, give to charity, go to church…” cut that jibba-jabba out, fool! God says that even when you say you tryin’ you really sinnin’! The Romans 14:23 says “Whatever does not proceed from faith is sin.” That means that it don’t matter if you try to live in church your whole life, like them monks did way back then, it don’t matter! You can’t do nuthiin’ good apart from faith, fool!
Now listen, some of you are thinkin’ “I don’t buy all that jive, I can live a life without sin.” My response is – Shut-up, fool! Don’t give me no back talk! You only sayin’ that because you don’t get what sin is! You probably think, that if you don’t kill people, only bash they heads together or pick them up and throw them at something then you ain’t done nothin’ wrong! That’s crazy fool! The only man who ever lived with out sin was Jesus, and since He was also God, it means ain’t none of us gonna do it again! Sin ain’t just big things like murder & rape – it when you do things like hating someone, lying, putting other things before God, starin’ at a pretty girl in the wrong way. Go ahead and try to live without sin – you can’t do it because it ain’t in yo fallen nature, fool. Just wait and see what pops out of your heart the next time Murdock says something crazy, or when some fool jumps out and shoots the tires on your van! That momentary loss of control, when you lose your temper and hate your neighbor, or even your loved ones, that’s sin fool! You always sinnin’!
Here’s the worst part, fool. The Bible says that man is gonna die once, then face judgment. (Hebrews 9:27). I pity the fool who dies and comes before God guilty of all his sins. You think God is gonna let you go just because? He won’t do it fool! You guilty, and the sentence for your sins WILL be carried out. You know something, though? It don’t have to be that way. Ask Jesus to forgive yo sins. Repent of them. Follow Christ. I will unpity if you have those sins removed through faith in Jesus. And believe Mr. T, ain’t nobody but Jesus that would or even could forgive yo sins, sucka.
I’ll be back with more next week. Don’t act a fool, fool.
This is a re-post from 4 years ago. It’s almost as lazy as just not posting something, but not quite.
How does one go about the unpleasant business of determining whether or not they are anathema? Perhaps the first step is to discover exactly what it means to be anathema. To be declared anathema is to be cursed on an ecclesiastic (church) level and then excommunicated.
In the Roman Catholic Church, there are several ways in which one might be anathematized. Tim Prussic reviewed one in particular over at Providence this morning. While Tim deals with Canon XII of the Council of Trent, I want to look at Canon XI which states:
If any one saith, that men are justified, either by the sole imputation of the justice of Christ, or by the sole remission of sins, to the exclusion of the grace and the charity which is poured forth in their hearts by the Holy Ghost, and is inherent in them; or even that the grace, whereby we are justified, is only the favour of God; let him be anathema.
The Scriptures declare that we have been saved by Grace through faith alone, apart from any works, lest we start saying that we had some part in our own salvation and boast about it (Eph. 2:8-9). Believing the Scriptures to be true, I’m left anathema by the Roman Catholic Church. That’s to be expected. I grew up Lutheran, danced with Roman Catholicism before actually studying my Bible, and ultimately became Reformed. What’s unexpected (and funny) is the posthumous anathematizing of folks like the apostle Paul (who wrote Ephesians 2:8-9) and Augustine, who had declared in the Council of Orange (centuries before Trent):
CANON 6. If anyone says that God has mercy upon us when, apart from his grace, we believe, will, desire, strive, labor, pray, watch, study, seek, ask, or knock, but does not confess that it is by the infusion and inspiration of the Holy Spirit within us that we have the faith, the will, or the strength to do all these things as we ought; or if anyone makes the assistance of grace depend on the humility or obedience of man and does not agree that it is a gift of grace itself that we are obedient and humble, he contradicts the Apostle who says, “What have you that you did not receive?” (1 Cor. 4:7), and, “But by the grace of God I am what I am” (1 Cor. 15:10).
So let this be a cautionary tale to those who put their foundation in something other than the Word of God. The time may come, as it did for poor Augustine, when you may be declared anathema for adhering to a Magisterial decree closer in line with the Scripture than what the present age Powers-that-be feels like believing. And really, what can you say to stop them?
Stephen Altrogge posted a laugh-out-loud funny post on stuff Calvinists like. Two of my favorites:
Apparently there is something spiritual about Moleskine journals because every Calvinist owns at least four. One for devotional notes, one for sermons notes, one for prayer lists, and one for fantasy football stats. For some reason we also use fountain pens, even though using a fountain pen is like trying to write with an octopus.
Correcting Someone When They Say “Lucky”
Please don’t say the word “lucky” around me. It was providence, not luck. And that breakfast cereal you’re eating? Providence Charms.
Head on over to The Blazing Center for the rest of the list.
Here is my second installment of the Westminster Shorter Catechism. as always, it is in yo best interest to pay attention, sucka!
Q: What rule hath God given to direct us how we may glorify and enjoy him?
A: The word of God, which is contained in the scriptures of the Old and New Testaments, is the only rule to direct us how we may glorify and enjoy him.
Why do we call the Bible the word of God? Because that’s what it is, fool! Don’t believe all that jibba-jabba ’bout the Bible being invented by fools – because it was the immediate inspiration of the Spirit of God – “All Scripture is given by inspiration of God.” (2 Timothy 2:16) I’ll prove it, too; Aside from the majesty of the Word itself, the way it provides answers to mystery, fulfilled prophecies, and how the writers have died for what God has revealed to them. The burden is on you sucka, to explain why Peter, Paul, James, and the other apostles were willing to die for the Scriptures, if they just made them up.
That just don’t play out in real life, fool. I constantly run into thugs and henchmen working fool drug lords. The suckas make good money, too. But none of them are willing to die at the hand of T for their causes. One time, I remember me an Hannibal were looking for this girl that was kidnapped. I had just blown up a bunch of fools with a grenade, and some of them was still conscious (normally A-team grenades only cause people to do front flips and get knocked out, they ain’t fatal). Murdock asked the fool where the girl was, and he lied about not knowing. So I picked him up and said I’d throw him off a cliff if he didn’t tell Mr. T the truth. He wasn’t willing to die for his lie – no one is.
Now that you know about the word, you might ask why we can’t just rely on reason to show us how to glorify God. Because reason ain’t good enough – no matter what fools like David Hume & Voltaire say, reason alone cannot provide us with all the answers, only revelation can. To assume that we can determine all things through reason alone, is an unreasonable opinion, since we have no transcendent pillar to place our presuppositions in. Thus our reason must start at some point, and if that point is not the revelation of God, then our reason is spurious. In other words, if Hume & Voltaire were still alive, I’d bonk they heads together and tie them to a tree until the police could come & put them in jail. I’m just kidding about that – I only bonk the heads of criminal suckas who are trying to hurt T – I would only bonk they heads in the form of philosophical debate, but the results would be the same, fool.
Thomas Vincent said “Whatever spirit leads fools against or beside the rule of Scriptures isn’t the Spirit of God in truth, but the spirit of error and delusion.” That’s talkin’ about fools and suckas like Joseph Smith & Benny Hinn. “Beloved, believe not every spirit, but try the spirits whether they are of God; because many false prophets are gone out into the world. We are of God: he that knoweth God heareth us; he that is not of God heareth us not. Hereby know the spirit of truth, and the spirit of error.” (1 John 4:1,6)Why do we do everything to the glory of God? Because he created you, fool! The end, sucka!
For more Westminster Shorter Catechism goodness, see the inspiration for this series – Thomas Vincentâ€™s The Shorter Catechism Explained from Scripture (Puritan Paperbacks)