Live your theology.

Here is a little glimpse into the madness that is Fantasy Baseball and my friends…

The first day of Free Agency for the Rock N’ Jock III league began today at 2 p.m. Several teams made retaining their players a high priority.

Bo Still Rules!

“Keeping our existing roster as in tact as we could was fundamental to our plans this year.” said head coach/general manager Nate Gauthier of Bo Still Rules! “We had one target all through the winter, and that was keeping Pedro Feliz on as our backup third baseman.”

Garret Atkins was relieved. “I was kind of worried that management was going to go after A-Rod or Mike Lowell, and that I would be relegated to a backup role.” said Atkins. “But management came right up to me and said ‘you’re our guy.’ It was kind of weird because I thought maybe they’d dump that waste of space Richie Sexson and move me to first with A-Rod or Lowell at third, but whatever.”

“I’m happy to be back with the club” said an joyful Feliz. “When you warm the bench, it’s always comforting to intimately know the bench you’re sitting on for 9/10th of the season. Like I know where the splintery parts of the bench are, and I avoid them. I wouldn’t have had that kind of peace of mind if I went off to greener pastures. And I’d probably end up being cut by another team.”

Vader Haters

Vader Haters GM Pat Johnson was quick to sign his own third baseman, Mike Lowell to three year contract.

“A lot of people are confused by the name Vader Haters” Johnson said at a press conference earlier today, “Do we hate like Vader or do we hate on Vader? I think our signing of Mike Lowell today puts that question to rest.”

When asked to comment on Johnson’s comment Lowell said he was unable to figure out what his General Manager was talking about. “I love Pat, but he’s always wandering around the halls saying ‘Vader this’, ‘Vader that’, it’s a little creepy. He also accuses random strangers of hating. It’s just weird. But, he has a ton of money, and I’m happy to have taken some of it from him in order to keep playing for Vader Haters, which until you suggested the Star Wars connection, I assumed had something to do with Big Van Vader, who we all know is awesome.”

King Bedard!

King Bedard GM Jason Anspach made it perfectly clear that he was willing to spend whatever it took to retain the services of Alex Rodriguez, who signed an incentive laden contract with his former team.

“I’ve always said I wanted to retire a King whatever.” said Rodriguez in a prepared announcement that played during the middle of Mike Lowell’s press conference. “When I was playing for the Sultans of Swing at the beginning of last year, I said I wanted to retire as a Sultan of Swing, but then I got traded, which was great, because I hated that team. My point is, now I’m truly happy.”

“The King (insert pitcher name) organization is very pleased to have A-Rod in the fold for the next however many years it was he signed for.” said Anspach, “I’m looking forward to seeing opposing offenses get pwned by A-Rod single handedly for years to come.”

Griffey Rules / Even Stevens

A bidding war erupted for reliever Francisco Cordero. In the end, the reliever, who had 44 saves last year, left for greener pastures.

“We’re ecstatic about having another Francisco in our bullpen. It was really rough watching Eric Gagne stink it up and Tom Gordon sit there and be injured.” said the Griffey Rules GM. “We had to promise to rename the team ‘Franciso Rules’ but now that he signed, we’re just going to pretend we never said that. Sucker.”

The manager of the Even Stevens was unavailable for comment as buyout negotiations continue.

Team Bagadonuts

Brenett Waltos, owner of Team Bagadonuts was overheard extolling the greatness of Torii Hunter throughout the winter meetings.

“He just kept going on and on about how awesome it was when Hunter robbed Bonds of a home run in the ’01 All Star Game.” said an anonymous executive. “I was kind of joking with him and told him he needed to put his money where his mouth was because we were going after him pretty hard once we re-signed one or two of our own guys. It really was just in fun, but he goes out and signed him to a $300 million dollar contract. I was floored.”

“You tell that boy that I never lose a bet! Do you hear me?” a screaming Waltos demanded. “In fact, I might offer [Hunter] even more money! I’ve already renamed all my horses ‘Torri’ and I might rename my son that as well!”

Sultans of Swing/NNY Hypnotoads

After moving from Tatooine to New New York, Hypnotoads GM George May was uncertain whether or not he could convince Jorge Posada, who had a wOBA of .410 last year, to move with the Franchise.

“Sultans of Swing were after him pretty hard.” said May. “I started going by George so he’d find solace in how similar our names were, and that made me feel like we had the inside track, and he signed with the ‘toads.”

Commenting on Sultans GM Peter Anspach, May said “Come to find out, while Peter was so busy going after Posada, Team # 10 swooped in and landed Mariano Rivera! My schadenfreude is complete.”

“I’m disappointed that we couldn’t sign Jorge,” said Anspach “And I’m really disappointed that Mariano left the team. Needless to say, all those who have crossed me will be severely punished if I ever seen them online playing Call of Duty 4, which I’m going to do now. This interview is over!”

The Communist Party

In what has become a tradition akin to Spring Training itself, The Communist Party refused to participate in any Free Agent signings.

“Free Agency is merely a capitalist construct used to reward the bourgeoisie and deprive the the common laborer!” said GM Mark Jones. “The Communist Party will continue to win through its farm system and eventually topple the other capitalist teams as they teeter from the weight of their inflated payrolls!”

If you’ve read this far, you may actually be interested in playing fantasy baseball yourself. If you are, send me an email or post a comment saying such & we can set you up!